Monday, May 16, 2011


Have you ever had someone tell you something and it makes you feel really shitty? Something said gently, and out of love, but it feels really "icky" because you know they are right?

That just happened to me. I hate it.

And now I'm this dam of emotion about to burst, but I can't release it because I'm at work (or I have to take care of my kids, or I'm around people I don't know or I don't have time or... whatever other reason I come up with to "push through".)

It has happened before... The words usually come from my counselor, a co-worker or a church sermon. The sermon is usually just a little uncomfortable, but its bearable because it's not a direct confrontation. With loved ones, it hits much closer to home.

The problem is my stupid shame that immediately punches me in the gut. The only slightly healthy thing I do is to not lash out at them or get defensive verbally with them. At least I realize its my own issue, right? But I also withdraw. Whether it happens in group, an email, or a face to face convo- it hurts, I feel even shittier about myself, so I try to run away and hide while thinking 15 million horrible things about myself, and still not addressing the issue. Probably because it terrifies me.

<sigh> Well, I'm searching for authenticity, right? I guess I better dig in...

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