Monday, April 30, 2012

The Road Uncertain

Recently, God put something on my heart that I have been fighting, tooth & nail…. Actually, He probably put it there a long time ago, but Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, my friends. After pleading with Him incessantly (“God, hold on… are You SURE? I mean, I have some other ideas that I would like much better. Can I put a presentation together for you? I’m really good with Prezi.”) I realized that I was supposed to step out in faith, and just obey.

 So, last week, I told my principal that I will not be back next year. I’m not leaving to teach at another school- one closer, with better pay, better insurance and an environment I would love to work in. I am not leaving to become a curriculum director and coach- a job I have always dreamed of. I’m leaving the classroom to stay home with my 3 and 4 year old.

I. Am. Terrified.

Actually, I feel like a swirling, crazy mess of sadness, fear, anxiety, confusion, relief, excitement, expectation, and uncertainty.  I do not go gentle into that good night, and I do not go joyful into this good obedience. 

In my Search for Steph, this was not a road I thought I would be taking. I whole-heartedly believe that the job of SAHM is one of the hardest, most-challenging, never-ending jobs in the world. It takes a special type of person to handle this important job- I just don’t think I’m that person. My children will love it, and I have felt increasingly out of sorts with my current position lately, so I know it is probably for the best, but I am still sad and scared.  I must walk by faith along this journey where I have encountered some unexpected twists and turns.  That isn’t exactly my strong suit ;-) Pray for me, my friends. Pray.