Monday, April 30, 2012

The Road Uncertain


Recently, God put something on my heart that I have been fighting, tooth & nail…. Actually, He probably put it there a long time ago, but Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, my friends. After pleading with Him incessantly (“God, hold on… are You SURE? I mean, I have some other ideas that I would like much better. Can I put a presentation together for you? I’m really good with Prezi.”) I realized that I was supposed to step out in faith, and just obey.

 So, last week, I told my principal that I will not be back next year. I’m not leaving to teach at another school- one closer, with better pay, better insurance and an environment I would love to work in. I am not leaving to become a curriculum director and coach- a job I have always dreamed of. I’m leaving the classroom to stay home with my 3 and 4 year old.

I. Am. Terrified.

Actually, I feel like a swirling, crazy mess of sadness, fear, anxiety, confusion, relief, excitement, expectation, and uncertainty.  I do not go gentle into that good night, and I do not go joyful into this good obedience. 

In my Search for Steph, this was not a road I thought I would be taking. I whole-heartedly believe that the job of SAHM is one of the hardest, most-challenging, never-ending jobs in the world. It takes a special type of person to handle this important job- I just don’t think I’m that person. My children will love it, and I have felt increasingly out of sorts with my current position lately, so I know it is probably for the best, but I am still sad and scared.  I must walk by faith along this journey where I have encountered some unexpected twists and turns.  That isn’t exactly my strong suit ;-) Pray for me, my friends. Pray.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Show Me What To Do

My life,
Has led me down the road that's so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that's gone
This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/third_day/revelation.html ]
My life,
Has led me down this path that's ever winding
Through every twist and turn I'm always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without...

I don't know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won't You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it's the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

Oh, give me a revelation...

I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

-Third Day

Monday, August 1, 2011

Sometimes...

I feel like this is me...

 "God, why aren't you telling me what to do???"

*photo courtesy of fotosearch.com

I'm trying to get better. But it's scary removing my hands and opening my eyes.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Random Musings, Part I

It’s funny, the memories from our past that are seared into our brains, crystal clear… I remember it was the spring of my senior year of college. I was sitting with my dad in his truck outside of my house. It had been an incredibly tough year for me emotionally, and I wasn’t sure if I was more ready for it to come to an end or dreading what the future might entail. I had been working with a counselor on campus to deal with some of my struggles, and she was encouraging me to talk with my parents about some of my feelings. I finally worked up some courage, and decided to talk to my dad about some things that had hurt my feelings recently. He was the “safer” parent for me. I felt like I could tell him things and not be criticized, like with my mom. After sharing my feelings about some recent interactions and conversations, specifically about feeling unimportant to him and demeaned by my step-mother, I sat and waited for his response. In my na├»ve, fantasy-filled mind, I was expecting a warm fatherly response a la Mike Sever from Growing Pains  or Danny Tanner from Full House….I would have even been ok with the less deep, yet always humorous, Cliff Huxtable. (I was like the female version of the television crazed boy from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.) I wanted to share my feelings and have everything resolved in 30 minutes. Instead, my dad launched into a speech on how wrong and inaccurate I was. The last thing I remember him saying was, “Your step-mother is right, you are angry and bitter just like your mom!” He may have said more after that, but all I heard as my eyes filled with tears was “Angry…Bitter….Like your mother.” Those words cut through me and lodged deep in my shame filled heart...




  

Monday, May 16, 2011

Ick

Have you ever had someone tell you something and it makes you feel really shitty? Something said gently, and out of love, but it feels really "icky" because you know they are right?

That just happened to me. I hate it.

And now I'm this dam of emotion about to burst, but I can't release it because I'm at work (or I have to take care of my kids, or I'm around people I don't know or I don't have time or... whatever other reason I come up with to "push through".)

It has happened before... The words usually come from my counselor, a co-worker or a church sermon. The sermon is usually just a little uncomfortable, but its bearable because it's not a direct confrontation. With loved ones, it hits much closer to home.

The problem is my stupid shame that immediately punches me in the gut. The only slightly healthy thing I do is to not lash out at them or get defensive verbally with them. At least I realize its my own issue, right? But I also withdraw. Whether it happens in group, an email, or a face to face convo- it hurts, I feel even shittier about myself, so I try to run away and hide while thinking 15 million horrible things about myself, and still not addressing the issue. Probably because it terrifies me.

<sigh> Well, I'm searching for authenticity, right? I guess I better dig in...