The Work

At one end, a cold, dark abyss with menacing, droning music and wispy tendrils of apathy, shame, and depression wafting out like a gray mist…. Some would run, fleeing the all-encompassing darkness & negativity… If only it were that easy. For others, it’s ironically safe in the numbness of the dark.

The other end… a glimmering scene of twinkle-lights and candles; the scent of hope and authenticity glide on vanilla and almond, while the faint laughter of children and sweet, soulful music drifts in and out, like waves crashing on the shore….

I’m in the middle…with some invisible cord pulling me toward the darkness… I’m desperately trying, with painfully deliberate steps to get closer to the joy… the hope…the peace. The closer I get, the harder I’m pulled back. Inch forward, then slide back… One action, one thought, one step at a time… getting closer… 

If I   r   e     a      c       h     out…. I… can…. almost…. make it….

BAM!!!!!!

Yanked backward with a jolt… that brief encounter had brought peace, hope and joy… in terrifying amounts.  That one moment of fear…fear of the beautiful, unfamiliar phenomenon,  made the tiniest little fracture which sent shame, depression and anxiety stampeding up,  trampling me, and sending me soaring back to the darkness.

It’s safer here, I guess. Comforting. It’s what I know. Numb, apathetic…lonely. But, then I can’t feel the hurt… sadness… rejection… if I get numb enough, I can ignore the shame.

But numbing the bad, also numbs the good, doesn’t it? Can’t feel lonely and sad, but can’t feel joy, hope, or connectedness… Maybe that’s just how it is for me. Maybe I’m not meant for those things.

Then, I hear it. Ever so softly….

You were made for more this.

 I made you for more than this….

Steph, listen… HEAR.

You. Were. Made. For. More.

So I sigh a little, pray a little, wipe the tears,  then stand up.  And I start over.  One action, one thought, one step at a time…

Seeds

On Easter Sunday, we started a new series (Out of the Dust, Into the Divine) at my church. The first two weeks have been incredibly powerful, and "surprisingly" they have been connected with many things I'm supposed to be working on. Imagine that :-)

This weeks message was centered on Belief, and more specifically, what it means "to believe that you are what God says you are in Him right NOW, even when the fullness of that reality is not yet visible."  The analogy of "seeds" was used often. At the end of the message, Pastor Dave gave us some time of silent prayer to talk with God about what seeds within us, we want to develop- with His guidance; what issues about ourselves are getting in the way of that belief that we are what God says we are...

For me, I want to "grow" worthiness, vulnerability, courage, and joy.

What seeds to you want to plant?