Show Me What To Do

My life,
Has led me down the road that's so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that's gone
This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/third_day/revelation.html ]
My life,
Has led me down this path that's ever winding
Through every twist and turn I'm always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without...

I don't know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won't You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it's the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

Oh, give me a revelation...

I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

-Third Day

Sometimes...

I feel like this is me...

 "God, why aren't you telling me what to do???"

*photo courtesy of fotosearch.com

I'm trying to get better. But it's scary removing my hands and opening my eyes.

Loved This

I was very moved by these posts recently...

Impulsive Baptism

This was incredibly powerful

How to Follow When You're Called to Stay  

Random Musings, Part I

It’s funny, the memories from our past that are seared into our brains, crystal clear… I remember it was the spring of my senior year of college. I was sitting with my dad in his truck outside of my house. It had been an incredibly tough year for me emotionally, and I wasn’t sure if I was more ready for it to come to an end or dreading what the future might entail. I had been working with a counselor on campus to deal with some of my struggles, and she was encouraging me to talk with my parents about some of my feelings. I finally worked up some courage, and decided to talk to my dad about some things that had hurt my feelings recently. He was the “safer” parent for me. I felt like I could tell him things and not be criticized, like with my mom. After sharing my feelings about some recent interactions and conversations, specifically about feeling unimportant to him and demeaned by my step-mother, I sat and waited for his response. In my naïve, fantasy-filled mind, I was expecting a warm fatherly response a la Mike Sever from Growing Pains  or Danny Tanner from Full House….I would have even been ok with the less deep, yet always humorous, Cliff Huxtable. (I was like the female version of the television crazed boy from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.) I wanted to share my feelings and have everything resolved in 30 minutes. Instead, my dad launched into a speech on how wrong and inaccurate I was. The last thing I remember him saying was, “Your step-mother is right, you are angry and bitter just like your mom!” He may have said more after that, but all I heard as my eyes filled with tears was “Angry…Bitter….Like your mother.” Those words cut through me and lodged deep in my shame filled heart...

  

Ick

Have you ever had someone tell you something and it makes you feel really shitty? Something said gently, and out of love, but it feels really "icky" because you know they are right?

That just happened to me. I hate it.

And now I'm this dam of emotion about to burst, but I can't release it because I'm at work (or I have to take care of my kids, or I'm around people I don't know or I don't have time or... whatever other reason I come up with to "push through".)

It has happened before... The words usually come from my counselor, a co-worker or a church sermon. The sermon is usually just a little uncomfortable, but its bearable because it's not a direct confrontation. With loved ones, it hits much closer to home.

The problem is my stupid shame that immediately punches me in the gut. The only slightly healthy thing I do is to not lash out at them or get defensive verbally with them. At least I realize its my own issue, right? But I also withdraw. Whether it happens in group, an email, or a face to face convo- it hurts, I feel even shittier about myself, so I try to run away and hide while thinking 15 million horrible things about myself, and still not addressing the issue. Probably because it terrifies me.

<sigh> Well, I'm searching for authenticity, right? I guess I better dig in...

I Need To Hear This

Like, every day.

T.G.I.F.

Yes, this stands for Thank Goodness It's Friday (which I always associate with watching Full House, Perfect Strangers, Family Matters and etc, growing up in the 90's) but it also represents this...

 

So today...

I am trusting... myself to listen and to take care of myself.

I am grateful for... friends who make me laugh, make me cry, and make my day.

I am inspired by... the empowerment of yoga and seeing others step out in faith.

You Never Let Go

 I was driving to work, and falling apart. I felt like I needed a song to speak to me, but it was all just commercial-ish.. I said a prayer, "Please God. Let me hear You."

So He did. And I cried more.

Yes, I can see a light, that is coming 
for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end 
to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me


-Matt Redman

The Work

At one end, a cold, dark abyss with menacing, droning music and wispy tendrils of apathy, shame, and depression wafting out like a gray mist…. Some would run, fleeing the all-encompassing darkness & negativity… If only it were that easy. For others, it’s ironically safe in the numbness of the dark.

The other end… a glimmering scene of twinkle-lights and candles; the scent of hope and authenticity glide on vanilla and almond, while the faint laughter of children and sweet, soulful music drifts in and out, like waves crashing on the shore….

I’m in the middle…with some invisible cord pulling me toward the darkness… I’m desperately trying, with painfully deliberate steps to get closer to the joy… the hope…the peace. The closer I get, the harder I’m pulled back. Inch forward, then slide back… One action, one thought, one step at a time… getting closer… 

If I   r   e     a      c       h     out…. I… can…. almost…. make it….

BAM!!!!!!

Yanked backward with a jolt… that brief encounter had brought peace, hope and joy… in terrifying amounts.  That one moment of fear…fear of the beautiful, unfamiliar phenomenon,  made the tiniest little fracture which sent shame, depression and anxiety stampeding up,  trampling me, and sending me soaring back to the darkness.

It’s safer here, I guess. Comforting. It’s what I know. Numb, apathetic…lonely. But, then I can’t feel the hurt… sadness… rejection… if I get numb enough, I can ignore the shame.

But numbing the bad, also numbs the good, doesn’t it? Can’t feel lonely and sad, but can’t feel joy, hope, or connectedness… Maybe that’s just how it is for me. Maybe I’m not meant for those things.

Then, I hear it. Ever so softly….

You were made for more this.

 I made you for more than this….

Steph, listen… HEAR.

You. Were. Made. For. More.

So I sigh a little, pray a little, wipe the tears,  then stand up.  And I start over.  One action, one thought, one step at a time…

Seeds

On Easter Sunday, we started a new series (Out of the Dust, Into the Divine) at my church. The first two weeks have been incredibly powerful, and "surprisingly" they have been connected with many things I'm supposed to be working on. Imagine that :-)

This weeks message was centered on Belief, and more specifically, what it means "to believe that you are what God says you are in Him right NOW, even when the fullness of that reality is not yet visible."  The analogy of "seeds" was used often. At the end of the message, Pastor Dave gave us some time of silent prayer to talk with God about what seeds within us, we want to develop- with His guidance; what issues about ourselves are getting in the way of that belief that we are what God says we are...

For me, I want to "grow" worthiness, vulnerability, courage, and joy.

What seeds to you want to plant?

Yogalicious

I have been working on finding things that bring me joy, bring me peace, and are ways I truly enjoy spending my time.

I've found it....

 YOGA!

I've tried vinyasa and ashtanga. My favorite at this point is Hot Yoga, which is vinyasa yoga in a room heated to 90 degrees.

As silly as it sounds, I think its changing my life. After a time of yoga practice, I feel empowered, confident and joyful. Those are not feelings I frequently associate with. In Brené's book, she describes joy as being a "spiritual way of engaging with the world that's connected to practicing gratitude (p. 79)." She goes on to share a Methodist pastor's explanation of the Greek root for joy. The Greek word for joy is chairo, which is "the culminating of being" and the "good mood of the soul." (p.81) I want to open up to vulnerability and find a "joyful life made up of joyful moments strung together by trust, gratitude, inspiration, and faith (p. 82)"

The quiet meditation at the end of each session helps me relax, still my mind, and connect with myself and God. I have heard that some Christians are against yoga because they feel it is anti-Christian. Maybe some practices of yoga are, but for me it is actually a way to help me "Be Still" and get in touch with God. My  hope is to memorize some salutations or routines, and to practice yoga at home, while exploring bible verses and talking with God.

So, thanks to my dear friend Elissa, and the encouragement of another dear friend, Susanna, I have quickly become a yoga junkie (in a completely emotionally healthy way, of course!)

:-)

Namaste

The Shame Game

"If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way- especially shame, fear and vulnerability." (p. 45)

Well, crap. That doesn't sound so fun.


:-)

Beginning the Journey

So, I'm attempting to start this journey of Wholehearted living. I'm 3 chapters in to Brené Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embracing Who You Are. 


Her Introduction explains this idea:

"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage compassion and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brace and worth of love and belonging."

Yeah. So.... That's not really me. Do I want it to be me? Good Lord , yes!

One of my biggest struggles is a sense of worthiness, which is directly connected with my intense struggle with shame. I beat myself up, and allow others to treat me as if I am somehow not enough, because I don't believe in my heart that I AM enough.

I am hoping that this journey will help me tear down my walls, hack away at the shame, and build up the worthiness.

I'm finishing the charter on "The Things That Get in the Way," and then will start getting into the Guideposts for Wholehearted living that she has created. We shall see... :-)

Keeping It Real

Authenticity... Vulnerability... Connectedness... tricky little things... at least for me. My counselor showed me this video last week. It kind of rocked my world.

 A friend also gave me an article called "Get Real: How to be Your Truest Self & Love Your Life." It was a really good article, but I suddenly felt like Someone was trying to send me a message.  ;-)

Further research of Brene Brown, has lead me to find her fascinating and inspirational. So, even though I didn't realize, this blog will (hopefully) become about the search for my authenticity. Which will, begrudgingly involve me becoming much more vulnerable, having courage, and working on connectedness. Stay tuned... this is gonna be a bumpy ride...

Fighting Darkness

De·pres·sion [dih-presh-uh n]

1. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason
2. a low state of vital powers or functional activity

This is a condition I have struggled with for a long time. I have had ups and downs with it, and probably different degrees and manifestations of it, but it is something I have battled for close to 10 years. After both of my children, I had fairly severe post-partum depression. I wasn’t going to kill myself or my children, but it was extremely debilitating. About 9 months after the birth of my son, I felt like I was slowly starting to re-emerge. I am one who believes the research that depression is caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, can be hereditary, and can be triggered by life experiences. About a year ago, I went through some events that I think triggered a spiral back into depression, and I’m having trouble working back out of it right now.

        I get frustrated when people imply that I should just choose to be happy, like it’s that easy. Trust me, I get that being over negative isn’t fun for anyone, but when I’m struggling with depression, I would love to just choose to get over it.

        I also think people who have never experienced true depression, don’t understand how painful it can be, and how it seems to rule your life. It can be almost physically painful to do the simplest task. Sometimes just getting off the couch takes every ounce of will power that I have. Taking a shower and putting any effort into getting ready is a tremendous hurdle to overcome. It sounds silly, doesn’t it? “Seriously. Just suck it up, clean up, put on a little make up… you’ll feel so much better!”

        There are times when I can muster the will to assume the role of a properly functioning individual. I think the co-dependent, don’t-want-to-disappoint-anyone; sense-of-obligation; wants-to-be-loved, part of me pushes me to pretend to be ok. My mom will get on my case if I act down too long without her. My co-workers expect witty, joke cracking girl. My kids need a mom to interact with them.

        However, I can’t sustain it for long, and I’m ripped back down into the darkness…. I kind of think of it like my kids who were sick this past week: They were both pretty sick and just needed to lie around and rest. As soon as they started to feel better, they were eager to play and get back to being silly. However, they did too much too fast, and the next day they were completely wiped out and feeling crappy again.

For me, it’s like I have two people inside me: the fat (‘cuz I’m emotional eater. To. The. Max.), blah, depressed girl (a Chubby Frumpkin, if you willJ) and the healthy (physically & emotionally), confident, smart-ass (because in my heart or hearts, I enjoy a loving & joking smart ass comment.) When the situation arises, the healthier girl pushes me to act like who I want to be, but inside the Frumpkin is yanking me back in. And when she does win, she sits of the other one for awhile- just to make sure she can’t try to escape.

How’s that for an analogy? J

I am noticing that there are certain environments where the depression seems much more oppressive, and these environments are tied to the triggers that caused the downward spiral last year. I want to work on seeking out and creating more peaceful environments in order to nurture my mental and emotional well-being.

Not all of my posts will be this boring or depression oriented. J But, since I’m currently my only reader, and this is something that shapes who I am, I will talk about it from time to time. J

Now. It’s time to go and work on budging that Chubby Frumpkin J