Ick

Have you ever had someone tell you something and it makes you feel really shitty? Something said gently, and out of love, but it feels really "icky" because you know they are right?

That just happened to me. I hate it.

And now I'm this dam of emotion about to burst, but I can't release it because I'm at work (or I have to take care of my kids, or I'm around people I don't know or I don't have time or... whatever other reason I come up with to "push through".)

It has happened before... The words usually come from my counselor, a co-worker or a church sermon. The sermon is usually just a little uncomfortable, but its bearable because it's not a direct confrontation. With loved ones, it hits much closer to home.

The problem is my stupid shame that immediately punches me in the gut. The only slightly healthy thing I do is to not lash out at them or get defensive verbally with them. At least I realize its my own issue, right? But I also withdraw. Whether it happens in group, an email, or a face to face convo- it hurts, I feel even shittier about myself, so I try to run away and hide while thinking 15 million horrible things about myself, and still not addressing the issue. Probably because it terrifies me.

<sigh> Well, I'm searching for authenticity, right? I guess I better dig in...

Seeds

On Easter Sunday, we started a new series (Out of the Dust, Into the Divine) at my church. The first two weeks have been incredibly powerful, and "surprisingly" they have been connected with many things I'm supposed to be working on. Imagine that :-)

This weeks message was centered on Belief, and more specifically, what it means "to believe that you are what God says you are in Him right NOW, even when the fullness of that reality is not yet visible."  The analogy of "seeds" was used often. At the end of the message, Pastor Dave gave us some time of silent prayer to talk with God about what seeds within us, we want to develop- with His guidance; what issues about ourselves are getting in the way of that belief that we are what God says we are...

For me, I want to "grow" worthiness, vulnerability, courage, and joy.

What seeds to you want to plant?