You Never Let Go

 I was driving to work, and falling apart. I felt like I needed a song to speak to me, but it was all just commercial-ish.. I said a prayer, "Please God. Let me hear You."

So He did. And I cried more.

Yes, I can see a light, that is coming 
for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end 
to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me


-Matt Redman

The Work

At one end, a cold, dark abyss with menacing, droning music and wispy tendrils of apathy, shame, and depression wafting out like a gray mist…. Some would run, fleeing the all-encompassing darkness & negativity… If only it were that easy. For others, it’s ironically safe in the numbness of the dark.

The other end… a glimmering scene of twinkle-lights and candles; the scent of hope and authenticity glide on vanilla and almond, while the faint laughter of children and sweet, soulful music drifts in and out, like waves crashing on the shore….

I’m in the middle…with some invisible cord pulling me toward the darkness… I’m desperately trying, with painfully deliberate steps to get closer to the joy… the hope…the peace. The closer I get, the harder I’m pulled back. Inch forward, then slide back… One action, one thought, one step at a time… getting closer… 

If I   r   e     a      c       h     out…. I… can…. almost…. make it….

BAM!!!!!!

Yanked backward with a jolt… that brief encounter had brought peace, hope and joy… in terrifying amounts.  That one moment of fear…fear of the beautiful, unfamiliar phenomenon,  made the tiniest little fracture which sent shame, depression and anxiety stampeding up,  trampling me, and sending me soaring back to the darkness.

It’s safer here, I guess. Comforting. It’s what I know. Numb, apathetic…lonely. But, then I can’t feel the hurt… sadness… rejection… if I get numb enough, I can ignore the shame.

But numbing the bad, also numbs the good, doesn’t it? Can’t feel lonely and sad, but can’t feel joy, hope, or connectedness… Maybe that’s just how it is for me. Maybe I’m not meant for those things.

Then, I hear it. Ever so softly….

You were made for more this.

 I made you for more than this….

Steph, listen… HEAR.

You. Were. Made. For. More.

So I sigh a little, pray a little, wipe the tears,  then stand up.  And I start over.  One action, one thought, one step at a time…

Seeds

On Easter Sunday, we started a new series (Out of the Dust, Into the Divine) at my church. The first two weeks have been incredibly powerful, and "surprisingly" they have been connected with many things I'm supposed to be working on. Imagine that :-)

This weeks message was centered on Belief, and more specifically, what it means "to believe that you are what God says you are in Him right NOW, even when the fullness of that reality is not yet visible."  The analogy of "seeds" was used often. At the end of the message, Pastor Dave gave us some time of silent prayer to talk with God about what seeds within us, we want to develop- with His guidance; what issues about ourselves are getting in the way of that belief that we are what God says we are...

For me, I want to "grow" worthiness, vulnerability, courage, and joy.

What seeds to you want to plant?

Yogalicious

I have been working on finding things that bring me joy, bring me peace, and are ways I truly enjoy spending my time.

I've found it....

 YOGA!

I've tried vinyasa and ashtanga. My favorite at this point is Hot Yoga, which is vinyasa yoga in a room heated to 90 degrees.

As silly as it sounds, I think its changing my life. After a time of yoga practice, I feel empowered, confident and joyful. Those are not feelings I frequently associate with. In Brené's book, she describes joy as being a "spiritual way of engaging with the world that's connected to practicing gratitude (p. 79)." She goes on to share a Methodist pastor's explanation of the Greek root for joy. The Greek word for joy is chairo, which is "the culminating of being" and the "good mood of the soul." (p.81) I want to open up to vulnerability and find a "joyful life made up of joyful moments strung together by trust, gratitude, inspiration, and faith (p. 82)"

The quiet meditation at the end of each session helps me relax, still my mind, and connect with myself and God. I have heard that some Christians are against yoga because they feel it is anti-Christian. Maybe some practices of yoga are, but for me it is actually a way to help me "Be Still" and get in touch with God. My  hope is to memorize some salutations or routines, and to practice yoga at home, while exploring bible verses and talking with God.

So, thanks to my dear friend Elissa, and the encouragement of another dear friend, Susanna, I have quickly become a yoga junkie (in a completely emotionally healthy way, of course!)

:-)

Namaste

The Shame Game

"If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way- especially shame, fear and vulnerability." (p. 45)

Well, crap. That doesn't sound so fun.


:-)

Beginning the Journey

So, I'm attempting to start this journey of Wholehearted living. I'm 3 chapters in to Brené Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embracing Who You Are. 


Her Introduction explains this idea:

"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage compassion and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brace and worth of love and belonging."

Yeah. So.... That's not really me. Do I want it to be me? Good Lord , yes!

One of my biggest struggles is a sense of worthiness, which is directly connected with my intense struggle with shame. I beat myself up, and allow others to treat me as if I am somehow not enough, because I don't believe in my heart that I AM enough.

I am hoping that this journey will help me tear down my walls, hack away at the shame, and build up the worthiness.

I'm finishing the charter on "The Things That Get in the Way," and then will start getting into the Guideposts for Wholehearted living that she has created. We shall see... :-)

Keeping It Real

Authenticity... Vulnerability... Connectedness... tricky little things... at least for me. My counselor showed me this video last week. It kind of rocked my world.

 A friend also gave me an article called "Get Real: How to be Your Truest Self & Love Your Life." It was a really good article, but I suddenly felt like Someone was trying to send me a message.  ;-)

Further research of Brene Brown, has lead me to find her fascinating and inspirational. So, even though I didn't realize, this blog will (hopefully) become about the search for my authenticity. Which will, begrudgingly involve me becoming much more vulnerable, having courage, and working on connectedness. Stay tuned... this is gonna be a bumpy ride...