Ick

Have you ever had someone tell you something and it makes you feel really shitty? Something said gently, and out of love, but it feels really "icky" because you know they are right?

That just happened to me. I hate it.

And now I'm this dam of emotion about to burst, but I can't release it because I'm at work (or I have to take care of my kids, or I'm around people I don't know or I don't have time or... whatever other reason I come up with to "push through".)

It has happened before... The words usually come from my counselor, a co-worker or a church sermon. The sermon is usually just a little uncomfortable, but its bearable because it's not a direct confrontation. With loved ones, it hits much closer to home.

The problem is my stupid shame that immediately punches me in the gut. The only slightly healthy thing I do is to not lash out at them or get defensive verbally with them. At least I realize its my own issue, right? But I also withdraw. Whether it happens in group, an email, or a face to face convo- it hurts, I feel even shittier about myself, so I try to run away and hide while thinking 15 million horrible things about myself, and still not addressing the issue. Probably because it terrifies me.

<sigh> Well, I'm searching for authenticity, right? I guess I better dig in...

Yogalicious

I have been working on finding things that bring me joy, bring me peace, and are ways I truly enjoy spending my time.

I've found it....

 YOGA!

I've tried vinyasa and ashtanga. My favorite at this point is Hot Yoga, which is vinyasa yoga in a room heated to 90 degrees.

As silly as it sounds, I think its changing my life. After a time of yoga practice, I feel empowered, confident and joyful. Those are not feelings I frequently associate with. In Brené's book, she describes joy as being a "spiritual way of engaging with the world that's connected to practicing gratitude (p. 79)." She goes on to share a Methodist pastor's explanation of the Greek root for joy. The Greek word for joy is chairo, which is "the culminating of being" and the "good mood of the soul." (p.81) I want to open up to vulnerability and find a "joyful life made up of joyful moments strung together by trust, gratitude, inspiration, and faith (p. 82)"

The quiet meditation at the end of each session helps me relax, still my mind, and connect with myself and God. I have heard that some Christians are against yoga because they feel it is anti-Christian. Maybe some practices of yoga are, but for me it is actually a way to help me "Be Still" and get in touch with God. My  hope is to memorize some salutations or routines, and to practice yoga at home, while exploring bible verses and talking with God.

So, thanks to my dear friend Elissa, and the encouragement of another dear friend, Susanna, I have quickly become a yoga junkie (in a completely emotionally healthy way, of course!)

:-)

Namaste

Keeping It Real

Authenticity... Vulnerability... Connectedness... tricky little things... at least for me. My counselor showed me this video last week. It kind of rocked my world.

 A friend also gave me an article called "Get Real: How to be Your Truest Self & Love Your Life." It was a really good article, but I suddenly felt like Someone was trying to send me a message.  ;-)

Further research of Brene Brown, has lead me to find her fascinating and inspirational. So, even though I didn't realize, this blog will (hopefully) become about the search for my authenticity. Which will, begrudgingly involve me becoming much more vulnerable, having courage, and working on connectedness. Stay tuned... this is gonna be a bumpy ride...